I’ve neglected this blog for ages, only posting the odd recipe or cheeky infographic now and then. I just got a bit caught up with bits and bobs before Christmas that have kept me away.
I’m working a bit these days. Doing some freelance social media management for a gelateria near where I live. I enjoy it. I’d forgotten how much I like working, and working for myself and being able to set my own hours has been a nice way to ease myself back into it. Elliot likes it, too. He comes with me most of the time, gets played with and is given ice cream to eat. I am not certain it gets much better for a little chap.
I’m fairly disgusted with my figure at the moment. I go to a legs, bums and tums class, and I do a fair bit of walking, but I still look in the mirror and see the “winter coat” I’ve put on since November and it makes me want to cry a little. Admittedly I have stopped 5:2, and my diet is terrible at the moment. Too much coffee and biscuits, and not enough movement. I keep telling myself I’ll do better, but I never do. What I really need to do is go to the gym and eat better. What I would love is someone to come with me for motivational purposes.
I told myself this post wouldn’t turn into a body shaming rant, but it has, because I feel disgusting and ugly, and that kind of leads me on to the other reason I’ve been quiet.
This year I’ve really suffered with SAD and have not been in a good place mentally. I used to think SAD was a cop-out, but it’s definitely 100% not. This has been the worst I’ve felt for months – since I stopped taking the happy pills. I hated pretty much every day of the Christmas holidays. I slept in til after midday most days, finding no reason to even get out of bed. I was exhausted all the time, and irritable – I found pretty much no joy in anything. I looked in the mirror and saw properly dead eyes, my light had gone out. I couldn’t even muster up the energy to cry, until I could, and then I couldn’t stop.
And I did what I always do when I am depressed; I shut people out and I yelled at my children and my husband and I curled up into a ball on my sofa and raged at everything whilst leaving everything because when you feel low, even putting on a load of washing or unloading the dishwasher feels like a gargantuan task that you don’t even know how to begin to do. I ended up calling my mother and sobbing hysterically at her that I couldn’t cope and she came over and helped out and bought me a SAD lamp, and then the sun came out again (literally, that ain’t no metaphor) and things began to feel better. I have the lamp on when I am working. It’s so bright you can’t really look directly at it without risking retinal damage, but it definitely helps. I really need light.
I’m not totally better, but I’m getting there. And I never again will scoff at people feeling low in the winter, because having SAD is absolutely fucking hideous.
So it’s been a bit of a mixed bag lately.
I’ll be back again soon. I think I just needed to kick myself into gear and actually write. Bite the bullet, so to speak. Perhaps I’ll bite another one and go to the gym soon.